The Ultimate Guide to Cruising
The insider tips, knowledge and tricks that every cruiser should know
ILLUSTRATIONS BY COLIN ELGIE
HOW TO GET ON THE CAPTAIN’S TABLE
According to Andrea M Rotondo, Luxury Cruise Bible
Some cruisers couldn’t care less about snagging a seat at the Captain’s table, while others covet the honour. Ships’ captains – and all senior officers, for that matter – are generally very engaging people with fascinating adventures to share. That’s one of the reasons travellers feel compelled to wish for that special invitation to appear at their stateroom door. It probably feels like you need to know some secret handshake, and it’s true that cruise lines do keep their criteria hush-hush. That being said, here are a few things that may count in your favour.
Firstly, cruise often. Loyal guests are often selected for pre-dinner drinks and dinner with the Captain. However, don’t despair, newbies: some cruise lines also randomly select first-time cruisers. Secondly, book a posh (and expensive) suite. VIPs who’ve booked – and paid for – uppermost suite categories definitely rank. Sorry, category bumps from the upgrade fairy won’t count! Celebrate a milestone: honeymooners and those toasting big anniversaries or retirements often break bread with the Captain.
Do you have something in common with the skipper? Maybe you work in the maritime industry, serve in the navy, captain your own boat, or hail from the same hometown. Tell the cruise director or send the captain a note. He may be thrilled to sit down with someone who shares his occupation or hobbies.
Lastly, be witty, charming or just downright nice. Striking up an interesting conversation with the right person – say the cruise director or social hostess – can be all it takes to get in on the Captain’s-table action.
HOW TO MEET PEOPLE ONBOARD
According to Jennie Bond
1 Don’t be shy – start up the conversation at the first dinner by asking questions. Everyone loves talking about themselves and, hopefully, you’ll soon find something in common with the rest of the table.
2 Don’t be tempted to stay in your cabin all day. Sit in public areas, even if you just want to read a book. You’ll find that people passing by will often stop for a chat, or you’ll meet other bookworms who’ll want to talk literature with you.
3 Jump in that Jacuzzi! I defy anyone to sit in a tub of bubbling, steaming water and ignore the people you’re sharing it with. I’ve had many an enjoyable natter in Jacuzzis, and stayed so long I looked like a prune when I got out.
4 Join in some of the activities, especially the dance classes. You can get up close and tango or have a laugh at a line-dance.
5 Leave your inhibitions behind. When you hear those karaoke chords strike up in the bar, get yourself down there and sign on to sing loud. Your fellow passengers will love you for having a go, no matter how bad you are. Believe me – I’ve been there, done it and got the T-shirt!
HOW TO PACK FOR A CRUISE
According to Esther Rantzen
The great advantage of cruising is that you don’t have to constantly pack and unpack. The great disadvantage is that you must include enough glitzy clothes for all the parties, receptions and formal dinners (unless you’re on a more informal cruise). You’re constantly on show, so you must look your best. Jeans are inappropriate. Even if you’ve never worn tight white trousers before, you will now. Big hats are risky because they can blow away in high winds and end up being bombed by seagulls in the wake of the ship. The same applies to wigs and toupées. If you go in for line-dancing or the tango, remember to pack your dancing shoes. If you like watercolour classes, include an apron.
But the best advice I can give is, if you’ve got it, or once had it, or are hoping someone else may think you’ve got it, flaunt it. Gentlemen, pack your most glittering cummerbund. Ladies, go for your most daring, cleavage-revealing chiffon. And for trips on land, a scarf in case you have to keep your head covered, a cardigan in case its considered rude to show your shoulders, flat shoes for cobbles and a bumbag in case of pickpockets. If that makes you feel dowdy, you’ll be a butterfly by night.
HOW TO CELEBRATE ONBOARD
According to James Dunn, assistant cruise director, Carnival Dream
1 Go online and book any special arrangements, such as dining experiences or requests for parties, in advance. Then, when you get onboard, you can head to the deck for a sail-away cocktail rather than rush to the guest services desk.
2 Activities are usually scheduled in the public rooms during the day and sometimes the evening, too, so if you want throw a surprise party in the martini bar, get in touch with the entertainment department way before you set sail.
3 Is the birthday boy/girl a fan of country music? Ask the cruise director to arrange for one of the solo performers to play a dedicated country music set (or Elvis, or Madonna, or whatever rocks their boat) in one of the bars.
4 To really put you in your partner’s good books on an anniversary, take a trip down memory lane by screening your wedding video (or DVD) on the lido deck’s big screen as a surprise. A photo slideshow will also do the trick.
5 Want to go one better than Champagne and a standard bouquet of flowers? Go to the Celebrations gift shop, where you can personalise gifts for your loved one.
6 Whether you’re saying happy birthday, happy anniversary or happy Monday, embarrass – sorry, surprise – your loved one with a TV shout-out on the internal channels.
7 Just don’t ask to drive the ship. No matter how old you are or how many years you’ve been married, the answer will be ‘no’.
HOW TO PICK THE BEST SHORE EXCURSION
According to Anne Elsten, shore excursions manager, Grand Princess
To make life easier, divide and conquer your group’s needs. Are the tours too strenuous for younger or older members or, indeed, yourself? Do you want to spend a full or half day with the group? Do you want free time to explore on your own? How long do you want to spend on buses and coaches getting to the activity? Work out the answers in advance and it will be easier to pinpoint the appropriate excursion.
It might sound obvious, but make sure to book your tours early to avoid disappointment. If the tour you want is sold out, put your name down on the waiting list, as sometimes the shore excursions team can get the operators to add extra capacity.
If you’re in a big group, check out private tours, which can cater for up to 12 people and offer a more intimate, customised experience. This option is also perfect for anyone who’s fussier than a diva with an all-white dressing room.
If you choose to tackle a port on your own, the cruise-ship staff are the best resource for information, and they’ll even give you maps. It’s probably their umpteenth time in the port, so you can scope out restaurant/bar/shop/beach recommendations.
And finally, for cities such as Athens and Rome, which are pretty far from port, it makes financial sense to tour it rather than spend all your Euros on a cab there and back.
FIVE MUST-HAVE CRUISE APPS
According to Anisha Patel
1 ALWAYS BE CRUISING
Its best feature is the cruise-horn sound that blares out every time the app is launched, but this also comes with a cruise countdown timer, and you can make friends before even stepping onboard through your ‘cruiser’ profile by swapping messages and tips. Free.
2 TRACKMYTOUR
A great way of keeping others in your group updated on your exact location, especially on shore excursions, this locates you via GPS so, even if you wander off, everyone knows where to pick you up before the ship leaves, even after one too many sangrias in Barcelona. Free.
3 NAVIONICS MARINE COASTAL CHART SERIES
Warning: only for diehard cruisers. Mapping coastal charts in 30 areas around the world from South America to Scandinavia, you can check tides, track your navigation and create a travelogue to share via email or Facebook. From £5.99.
4 NAUTICAL COMPASS
It might be more of a novelty than a practicality, but a 3D, traditional sea compass on your extremely 21st-century phone? Even if you’re not really going to use it to navigate the oceans, it’s fun to use when finding your way around the ship. 59p.
5 ICRUISECAL
With this nifty app, you can check the location of all your favourite cruise ships and see which ports will be the busiest for a week ahead. So, whether you want to grab a sight of the newest superliner or plan your beach day around a less crowded port, this has you covered. £1.79.
FIVE PORTS TO SEE BEFORE YOU DIE
According to Carolyn Spencer Brown, www.cruisecritic.com
1 VENICE, ITALY
Forget that 14th-century Venice is built over more than 100 islands, that its Byzantine and Venetian Gothic architecture meshes eastern and western influences or that pigeons vie with the Basilica di San Marco for the biggest attraction in San Marco Square. What’s really incredible about this city is the feeling that, when standing by the Grand Canal, you’re not just looking at a painting by Canaletto, the painter and great chronicler of 18th-century Venice, but you’re in the midst of almost the same setting as the painting.
2 AQABA, JORDAN
The resort city on the Red Sea is the jumping-off spot for Petra, a 2,200-year-old city, carved out of red sandstone mountains, with temples, a monastery, tombs, monuments and grand boulevards. The most beautiful spot? The first vista you see when emerging from a long canyon, which is the courtyard of the Al-Khazneh, with its grand façade and architecture that melds Eastern and Hellenistic details. It’s hard to believe these intricately carved columns and sculptures were created out of rock.
3 BORA BORA, SOUTH PACIFIC
The tip of the Bali Hai mountains, stretching skyward, as if in communion with heaven’s spirits, is the iconic image of the South Pacific’s Bora Bora. And though the island is lovely, with its French and Polynesian inspiration, the memory that sticks with me after several cruises there is sitting on my balcony at sunrise as we sailed into the harbour. The scenery’s sense of peace and the backdrop of the wild jungle is a magical combination.
4 SAN FRANCISCO, USA
Certainly, the scenic milestones that mark ships’ entrances into San Francisco’s harbour – the sleek, red Golden Gate Bridge, the rugged rock cliffs of the Pacific-facing coastline, and pine and eucalyptus-scented hillsides that you really can smell from the top deck of a cruise ship – would grant this city ‘world’s best’ status alone. But it’s the city itself that is so mesmerising, with its hills and dales, urban neighbourhoods and tropical parks. And, of course, there are plenty of superb restaurants and shops that entertain, visit after visit.
5 SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA
When you arrive here by ship, it all feels oddly familiar, even if it’s your first visit. You’ve seen the icons – the towering Sydney Harbour Bridge and the ‘Eve from a clamshell’-shaped Sydney Opera House – but they’re more impressive in person. This is the world’s premier city if you want to combine a laidback Aussie lifestyle with sophisticated urban pursuits. The perfect day? Browsing galleries and shops, followed by a great lunch and an easy afternoon on Bondi Beach, just chilling out.
SHHHHH! FIVE ONBOARD OPTIONS THAT ARE NOT PUBLICISED
According to Fran Golden
1 THE GALLEY TOUR
Chefs like to show off their kitchens. Ask nicely and you can see the bubbling cauldrons and mountains of meringues for yourself.
2 LATE-NIGHT JAZZ
Where there are musicians, there is improvisation. After the show band finishes in the theatre, they can often take over a smaller lounge for an hour-long session, generally followed by a group visit to the 24-hour buffet or café. (Hey, musicians have to eat, too.)
3 CIGAR CLUB
Lately, an increasing number of captains are hosting cigar-and-chat parties on deck. In the cigar lounge on a recent Queen Mary 2 cruise, Jimmy Savile could be found telling tales. Of course, they’re not advertised – you just have to sniff them out.
4 INDIAN FOOD
Need a curry fix? Cruise ships often hire Indian crew members, so there is Indian cooking behind the scenes. Poppadoms and curries are increasingly appearing as items on buffets and, if you make a special request at dinner, most ship chefs are happy to prepare a dish or two. (It’s best to give a day’s advance notice.)
5 THE BRIDGE
Because of heightened security, bridge tours are unfortunately no longer a standard offering. These days, the captain will invite only a lucky few. To improve your chances of being included in this elite group, try a) booking a top suite; b) having your travel agent write a letter stressing your interest; orc) dropping a hint to the Captain himself (talking a little nautical history helps).
HOW TO PICK THE BEST CABIN
According to Jane Archer
The biggest cabin – with a balcony and butler – is not necessarily the best for everyone.
For instance, if you’re worried about mal de mer, adopt the slogan ‘How low can you go?’ A cabin on the lower decks, preferably mid-ships, is the most stable if the sea gets a bit lumpy. They are also the cheapest, which is handy for anyone on a budget.
As a general rule of thumb, the higher up the ship you go, the bigger, more luxurious and, of course, expensive the accommodation. But even if you are a good sailor, location, as with the property market, is essential. Near a lift you may be disturbed by late-night revellers on their way ‘home’; likewise, being at the forward end of a big ship is a pain as you have a long trek to the restaurants and buffets at the back every breakfast, lunch and dinner time.
Being mid-ships is definitely an advantage – especially for getting to the theatre and spa, which are at the forward end of modern vessels.
Unfortunately, cabins at the forward and aft end of the ship are often in the top categories, so if you want a suite or penthouse, you might have to compromise. Eat or keep fit?
It’s your choice.
HOW TO GET AN UPGRADE
According to Anisha Patel
1 First and foremost, speak to your Cruise Thomas Cook travel agent at the time of booking.
2 Try a cruise line that has a higher proportion of suites. The more suites that are available on ship, the better your chance of being upgraded. It’s all in the maths.
3 It’s easier to get an upgrade in off-peak seasons, so avoid summer, Christmas, Easter and all the other big holiday periods.
4 Go to more off-radar destinations. You’re more likely to get upgraded on a cruise down the Dalmatian coast than the eastern Med.
5 Flag up any wedding anniversaries, birthdays or other causes for celebration at the time of booking your cruise.
Leave a Reply
Ink Publishing 2010. All Rights Reserved